Should we split up?....by Marilyn Stowe.

Should we split up? By Marilyn Stowe.

I am not a therapist, but I do spend my days working with couples in conflict. I have learned that more often than not, the ultimate reason for the breakdown of a relationship is a symptom of that breakdown, rather than a cause. So an adulterous affair that brings about a divorce may not be the initial cause of that divorce: the marriage may, to all intents and purposes, have broken down beforehand. 

I advocate holding a marriage together whenever possible, assuming the co-operation and willingness of both parties.  

The grass elsewhere is not always as green as it may seem. A subsequent marriage is just as likely - more likely, in fact - to founder.

However a relationship can only be rescued and revived when both parties believe that it is worth fighting for. Even then, it can only be saved when both parties are committed to that fight. There is a world of difference between a genuine desire to work to save a marriage when it is the shared aim of both parties, and when it is a hope and a prayer existing in one mind only. If only one of you wants to save the relationship, it isn't going to happen.

At some stage, you and your partner must have been happy together. You must have been in love and you must have been sexually attracted to each other. Perhaps you enjoyed your relationship sufficiently to have children together. Can those feelings be recaptured?

Don't expect miracles, but don't let anger take over. Don't lay blame. It's a waste of time. Remember what brought you together in the first place. Look for the good in one another, rather than the bad. Can you still laugh together? Have you really reached the end of the road? Or has the road turned a sharp corner? Don't look back. Look forward

Often, the biggest challenge is not recognising problems within a relationship, but knowing what to do about them. Often it is too trite simply to say 'try harder' or 'keep your sense of humour' or 'respect one another'. Whenever appropriate I recommend counselling services, which can equip you with all you need to give your relationship another go. If you try your best but are unable to make your marriage work by yourselves, what do you have to lose if you ask for extra help with your efforts?

And don't forget: divorce is tough. Even the most amicable divorce is still an emotional roller coaster. 

Over the years I have developed a reputation for being frank with my clients, when they come to see me for the first time, about what divorce involves: the time, the cost and the toll on one's emotions. I tell them that a divorce is like having an operation on top of the Big Dipper, without an anaesthetic.
What is more, the grass is not always greener on the other side. All my years of working in divorce suggest that within a few years the same patterns repeat themselves.

I am married myself and like most of us, I am a romantic at heart. I think the best relationships, the ones that last for life, are created when both partners want and do more for one another than they want and do for themselves, A shared sense of humour also plays an important role. Even when I am in the crossest of moods, my husband can always make me laugh. If you still have that spark, you can make it.

This doesn't mean that your relationship will be perfect. But continuing to give and to put one another first will help to keep your relationship in good health. It isn't always easy. Most of us are quite selfish but, if we consciously force ourselves to put the other person first, there is a really good chance of success. If a couple stops doing these things for one another - or even if just one of them stops - the relationship will falter and grind to a halt. 

When I apply this test to people I know, some of them married for many years and others who are clients, either getting divorced or thinking about it, it rings true every time.

And if it is just too late for this, and you know or feel that your relationship cannot, should not or will not go on? In my book Divorce & Splitting Up: Advice From a Top Divorce Lawyer, I have a checklist for readers called 'You know you're done when…', which draws upon the experiences of the 10,000 clients I have seen over more than 30 years as a practising family lawyer. 

About the author: Marilyn Stowe is one of the UK's best-known lawyers, the resident legal expert on This Morning and the senior partner at Stowe Family Law, the UK's largest specialist family law firm.